Why are you home?

I was walking with Ellie and a small friend of ours and he innocently asked,

"Avery, why are you home?"

Implying, of course, why am I home when his mom is at work? Why does he have a nanny and my kids don't? Why does the world work the way it does where some moms work and some don't?

I explained to him that before we moved to Canada I did work, just like his teacher, in a school.  That jobs were hard to get in Canada, and I tried. And it didn't work out, and I'm home for now and the near future.

What I really wanted to say, though, was, "I don't know, little dude. I just don't know."

I don't know how I got to this place in my life where I am a stay-at-home-mom. It is not a role that sits easily or comfortably on me.  I like to read Martha Stewart. I am certainly not Martha Stewart.

I am a teacher, preferably of other people's children. I have patience with them, because they don't crawl into bed with me at night and I don't listen to their sibling rivalry while I cook dinner.  I like to observe their intelligence.  I love their idiosyncrasies.  I enjoy talking "teacher talk" incessantly at social functions, much to my husband's dismay.

I would probably be fired if I was audited for my stay-at-home-ness.  I would like to outsource most of my day to day tasks and would if I could afford to, including things like: emptying the dishwasher; putting laundry away; dishing out goldfish crackers; budgeting; opening the mail; taking out the trash; emptying luggage after a trip (we need a trip fairy!); watching Cars 2.  I could use a small army of elves, or perhaps a butler or lady's maid.  I enjoy: grocery shopping, volunteering in classrooms/schools, cooking, reading with my kids, hosting playdates, the flexibility of stay-at-home life.

I miss work. I do not miss the crazy hectic life of trying to balance it all.

I don't know if it would be easier or harder to work in a different country, and if the parenting-work balance would be calmer.  Women seem to manage better here.  Policies like one year of maternity leave, on the surface, seem to help.  Yet it appears, at least in my neighborhood and at my children's schools, that women are the primary caregivers; they are the ones picking up the kids and volunteering.  To be fair, we had a family in the neighborhood just leave for Abu Dhabi. For her job. She has a seven month old.  (And a preschooler.)

I have to go now. I have to color a book. Then bathe 2 small, squirmy children. Then read to them, and convince them that sleep is a necessity worth their while.