The Emptiness of a Still Full House

This week has been a week of getting rid of things. I have thrown away more this week than I think I ever have in my entire life, including the last few weeks of school and teacher work week. I have also found tons of interesting things in weird places.

I have over 15 bags of trash in my garage, waiting to go out next week* (you remember Toronto's excellent and dictatorial trash rules, right?), and I haven't even touched our bedroom, the kids' room, or finished the basement yet.

I have made good progress. Ellie, Sam and I, however, are starting to get itchy. Prickly. My friend commented that our house "feels like a house in transition." Our rugs are being washed at the cleaners, so there is an echo.  We have less stuff, and I've taken some things off the walls, so there is more room for sound to bounce around.  There is more room to play, to run around, to have even more people over. I could have a raging party and fit everyone, which would be awesome.  It wouldn't feel like our house, at least, as it once did.  There are hot pink labels on everything not to be moved, so that we have something to camp out with for the next month.

I used to think that the hardest part of moving was the limbo before everything was solidified, and we knew where and when we were going. I still think that's right - that is the hardest part, because you don't know what to expect next. This part is tricky in a different way.  We're still living in this community we have grown to love, and with people we have connections with, and we have to make our preparations to leave them.  It is starting to hit home for us and for them as our move becomes more of a reality.

The interesting and cool part of this is how our family comes together during this time. We spend more time physically closer together. The kids need me more, not just emotionally but to touch and hug me as well. I need them as well, the reassurance that we are a team and that we will get through this intact, and that we are a family wherever we go.  Josh joins us by facetime or phone daily, or by video or pictures he sends back home when he is gone.

I know now that we will stay drawn together for the first part of our time in our new place, until we are more settled in with friends and in the community.  It is easier here, since we have friends and a community to rely on. It is more difficult in the new place, where we can get on each other's nerves, where our emotions can be magnified and there are different things to accomplish.  On the other hand, there is the thrill of the newness, adventure and discovery around every corner. Ellie and Sam are the perfect age to explore places with, and they are great at noticing new and fun things that we would never notice.

I wish I could relax into the prickly-ness and know that this in-between time won't last forever. It is a special time, the time when you get to say goodbye. I thought I was better prepared for it.


*I will have to post pictures. This is sure to be an amazing sight, my lawn with a moving truck, packers, full of trash with stickers, and neat piles of "extras" all according to the rules and regulations of the City of Toronto. I can't wait!