The Nanny Diaries

For the last two weeks we hired Jackie, a wonderful nanny/housekeeper/helper/chef who helped keep our little family from falling apart while we were getting ready for our impending move.  You know what is no fun? Trying to export a car with a child hanging on you, wanting to play Chuggington. 

You'll recall that our move, at least the packing part, was derailed because of visa issues.* We are now back on track, maybe, and hopefully moving along.  The time with Jackie was well spent, however, as evidenced by the 25 bags of trash on our front lawn below.  Each one was labeled with the appropriate City of Toronto** sticker (at about $3/bag from Canadian Tire) but still much cheaper than a junk service.  Someone picked my trash the day before and took most of the other stuff away, which included Josh's extra set of golf clubs, some toys, rubbermaid bins, etc. I'm sure the neighbors are loving the weekly scenic view. 

We hired Jackie as we knew her from another family on our street. She had a back injury from a prior accident and needed to work with older kids, but had some availability before her next job began, which was perfect for our family.  Jackie had previously babysat for the kids so she knew them, the kids and the other families.  She was able to take Ellie to the bus and Sam to school, and she drove them to swimming as well.  

I don't think I've told you about the nanny culture in our neighborhood. I've hesitated, because it is sensitive and interesting and intimate, and before the last two weeks, I have not had personal experience with a nanny.  Most of the nannies in our neighborhood are Filipina, and have left their families behind in the Philippines, including their children, while they have come to Canada to work.  They send a lot of money back home.  The legal immigration requirement is that they live with a sponsoring family for approximately 2 years until they receive their legal residency and working papers, and then they can work for a different family.  The sponsoring family can pay them less because they are giving them room and board.  It is a situation that some unscrupulous families can take advantage of, and I've heard some terrible stories while I've been here.  These women often work long hours, in varying conditions, and live in crowded apartments. Many can't drive.  The norm seems to be a 4-6 week trip home sometime during the winter once/year if the woman can afford to go and the employer is amenable.    

There are obviously a whole host of issues to discuss here, and one blog or even several couldn't do them justice.  There are racial issues between the nannies, because not all of them are Filipina, and it may affect how playdates are organized.  There are cultural and class issues between nanny and parent. There is the fact that it is a job and employment for the nanny, and not always a labor of love for them as a parent. I think that is often a cause of tension in the employee/employer relationship, because as the employer you want the nanny to act as you would act.  I am one of the only moms in the neighborhood who is at home and so I interact with most of the nannies.  They are a lovely bunch of women who are really good with the children they look after.  I can also say, as an employer, that I was somewhat surprised by the decisions Jackie made.  After thinking about them, I thought they were reasonable (for example, having lunch with other nannies on her last day - it is a normal, work-like thing to do, no?), but was not in my mindset of what a nanny should or would be doing. I could tell she felt strange about it when she returned to the house, but I had figured out what had happened and decided it was fine with me.  

If I was to have a nanny full-time, I would need to set up guidelines for myself about what I would expect. This two-week introduction with a nanny who was really excellent in every regard - great with the kids, she made us amazing food, took care of the house, etc. - also allowed me to reflect on what is important, and what is less important.  It is a job for this person, and so I would have certain expectations about what I would want them to do. At the same time, I would not want to begrudge them some down time or social time in what I know can be an isolating and thankless job.  My friend describes having a nanny as "a business relationship in your pajamas" and as the employer, you have to have the confidence to be in the pajamas to make it work.  

Ribs by Jackie

Personally, it was awesome having Jackie. It was like having a wife. This woman was unloading my dishwasher while I was in my PJs eating breakfast with my kids and drinking coffee.***  She was the one to argue with the kids about TV and breakfast choices as I drifted off towards my next project. She cajoled them into eating and clothes and the bathroom and I... checked my email and threw out their toys.  Sheer joy. 

At the same time, she mentioned that a nanny relationship only works if both parties give themselves to the relationship. I can see that. I like the privacy of my house, though, and I was happy to close the door on Friday and flop on the couch with my kids by myself.  Ultimately, I think that is why it would be tough for me to go with a nanny permanently, at least in this environment.  Even though I really liked Jackie and appreciated her work. 

In an interesting aside, I asked Ellie and Sam which they liked better, being with a nanny at home or being at RCC, their super fabulous child care center in Virginia, and both answered RCC. I thought that was interesting feedback, and as I thought about it more, it made sense, especially for the ages they are at, almost 4 and 6.  They learned to be strong and independent people there, with lots of people who love them, and they learn to love books, and there is no TV, and lots of outside and get messy time, and  tons of friends all of the time, and lots of practical learning like how to sleep on your own and eat (even foods you don't like, like sloppy joes) and clean up and hang up your coat and so much good juicy learning.  Child care can be harder on the parent, because you have to get them up and out, but for my kids, we were able to find a place that still is impacting them, even 18 months after they've left it, which I think is quite an accomplishment.****

Every week, the nannies on our street make the kids banana muffins. Sometimes they put chocolate chips in, sometimes not. They have a lighter mouthfeel than most muffin recipes because of the baking soda but the kids on our street are crazy for them. They always bring them to the park or share them at playdates.  This is Jackie's version. I stood there while she was making them and took notes. 

Jackie's Banana Muffins

3 ripe bananas

1/2 c yogurt (any flavor is fine - she used greek blueberry at my house, because it is what we had)

1 tsp. baking soda *key ingredient

another bowl:

3/4 c brown sugar

1/4 c vegetable oil

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla

1 1/2 c flour

1 tsp. baking powder 

salt

chocolate chips or nuts (optional)

Mash the bananas lightly with a wooden spoon or potato masher. Mix in yogurt and baking soda. Let sit. Mix in another bowl the brown sugar, oil, egg and vanilla.  Mix the flour, baking powder and salt into the first bowl.  Then gently add the contents of the second, brown sugar bowl and stir.  Add additions if desired. Bake at 350 until springy and light brown on top. (Jackie does this by feel.) 

*Our first portion of our visa fun has concluded and we are off to the second portion of visa adventuring, which requires Josh to relinquish his passport. This is like asking him to give up a part of his body right now, and so required careful scheduling and many international emails. It is also requiring us to miss a beloved friend's wedding.  Damn legal requirements. 

**This is only trash, and not recycling. Josh's law school books are going out tomorrow. As are my teaching files, and other assorted paper waste.  Toronto is so super fun with trash collection, I get to wait two weeks to put out my huge piles of trash or recycling. 

***I should say this happened like 2 times, because I started getting up and showering earlier. When a virtual stranger arrives at your door and starts working, you feel like a huge slacker when you don't work too.  One time I was on the phone with Josh working on visa stuff, so I had an excuse. Once. 

****Weirdly, we seem to be lacking good child care in our area, which I think leads to the nannies. Or the long hours lead to the nannies? I'm not sure.  Not a lot of options in any case.